Well guys… this may come as a shock so maybe sit down with a glass of wine or cup of cocoa.

I’ve been in Guys and St. Thomas hospital SDEC all day (Same day emergency centre.) The doctors got on the phone advocating for me to actually meet the oncology and palliative care teams. It seems that administratively, my hospital visits have been officially about reducing calcium – not cancer – even though everyone knew about that – so I’d fallen into an administrative black hole from which, thanks to Andy and Josh, I have today been liberated.

The oncologist on my case is a specialist in my kind of cancer and wonderfully skilled in this close to the bone kind of conversation. So here it is: he told me (and only he had the authority to do so – the young doctors can hint, but not definitively say what they’ve known all along) …

that out of all usual treatments for cancer of the colon with metastases in the peritoneum, surgery is impossible, radiotherapy won’t work, nor immunotherapy, and the options for chemo are extremely lean – only 1 in 5 people in my situation will experience any improvement, and that will be minimal. Whatever I do, I have at most four months to live, he estimates

With his guidance, and Yashobodhi’s good sense, I have decided that I’m going to go straight to palliative care. That way, there are no more tests or treatments. I will have an easier passage through these months without that. I’ll have a better chance of the mental clarity to keep working on what I love, and I can stay more at home. We know the situation enough to be sure that no treatment will save my life. Going for chemo would be likely to involve continued discomfort, disturbance and disappointment.

So there it is. How do I feel? It’s been an exhausting day in the hospital, but in the circumstances I’m really glad to have the clarity and at least a little bit of space to write and plan before the big day.

Lots of love xxx