I’m not written here for a year or so. I’ve had a great year, and it has been a delight to move back to London.
But recently I experienced a noticeable drop in my energy. I suffer from MS, so I thought it was just more of that. But I was also nauseous and really off my food and drink. After losing two or 3 kilos I finally realised this might not be MS at all. After a week of blood tests the doctor packed me off to A&E. My calcium levels were very high (3.9).
Now I have an advanced cancer diagnosis. It’s in the colon, with metastases in the abdomen, local muscle and some lymph nodes. With that degree of spread it seems it may not be possible to operate. I had been hoping to hear the full prognosis from the oncology team today, but due to a failed biopsy, it’s not possible to devise a treatment plan so we’re set back by some weeks unfortunately.
Sorry I know this is likely to be a shock to many of you. I feel fairly OK about it at the moment, and a lot of the time I feel fairly joyful. Life has been good to me so far and this just the next bit. I mean something like this was bound to happen at some point. I’m just hoping that treatment will allow a quality of life sufficient to carry on the work I’m doing, for a little longer at least. If that’s not going to be the case, I need to prioritise my practice and dying process.
I’m afraid that will mean limiting contact a bit. I have many friends that care about me and that will want to make contact and I love that they do, of course. But I need space and clarity, and I notice how much energy a friend’s kind letter, email, card or WhatsApp can require of me. I don’t think I can take hundreds of sincere well wishing letters. Your kind thoughts are very much appreciated. Please keep having them. What is happening to me happens to everyone and it will happen to you, so think about that too and practice some dharma. That will encourage me most.
Lots of love to you all
X
Kamalashila